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How Not to Fight

Myths and Expectations about the Fight:

There are many myths and expectations about fighting in marriage. Couples often come into my office believing that fighting is an essential part of being a couple; that every married couple fights; and it is a normal part of marriage. The truth of the matter is that the fight fails to do anything, and a couple does not have to argue, get caught up, or have heated debates to solve problems. Hanging these ideas makes it hard to let go of a fight.

The following are some of the most prevalent myths about fighting:

* Myth # 1: The fight clears the air, and brings out the truth.

No need to fight to “clean the air.” It doesn’t take a while for you to say otherwise to warm up. What happens when couples are fighting and feeling emotional is that both parties say things that are not meant to them, or that they say them in much neater ways than is actually true. Anything that is or is not happening between you can be discussed in a calm and logical way that will lead to more truth and air clearance than ever fighting and arguing.

* Myth # 2: Within your family, it’s okay to “let it hang” – be as emotional as you want, and say things you would never say to a friend or boss.

Whether you are fighting or not, (or drunk, or upset) you are still responsible for everything you say and do. Your spouse or other family members who hear them will remember the hurtful or mean or terrible things you say.

* Myth # 3: A direct fight happens, you can’t control it.

You always have a choice about how you behave and how you express yourself. If you have developed a fighting habit, or have never learned to control your mindset, you may need to do some work, but you can learn how to behave differently.

* Myth # 4: My wife (or husband) urges me to do it. He (she) yells first.

No one else is responsible for your behavior. You are not responsible for anyone else’s words or actions. You can always choose not to go backwards, speak quietly, or leave the room. Your partner cannot fight alone.

* Myth # 5: Whenever we are angry, it is natural to argue and yellow.

Arguing and shouting is not the only way to express your anger. It’s just the most dramatic way. In fact, it is the least effective way to find a solution to whatever makes you angry.

Squares often happen because you are following automatic patterns like you have a problem before you know it. Using these guidelines will help you overcome negative habit patterns you have developed that may lead to arguments or bickering.

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